What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:35
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
This is soul school!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What are some good inspirational movies?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But, we were locked up after school.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i lived it daily.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
She married twice! .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why do humans sweat while stressed?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What is the best case of “You just picked a fight with the wrong person” that you've witnessed?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She loved him until the end.
Im still living with it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was in good health!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I have no regrets .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why did i forgive my father ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I write beautiful poetry .
My life is so biszare .
One cannot live in the past .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He knew the spot.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What did i know ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was scared of men, in general
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I think the readers, may guess!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
I couldn’t, believe it.
It was going to be , some day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were not on the streets..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!